Less or more this post's still regarding the post I've written just a couple of times ago.

Another big lesson learned today: your closest friend can be a real... enemy? Oh, how I really hate to ever said that.
Since she knows not only your secrets, but your personality as well. Knows both what you like, and what you dislike.. Knows exactly how to raise you up, and the next time, to put you down.
Harvesting bad thoughts in your head about others, vice versa.
Provoking. Bluffing. Blowing everything up.
In this way this person fights you from within.

Truth spoke itself.


There's nothing I can do to fix what has passed and I know I will deal with it. But I've learned a lot.
Too many lies and deception.


By now, none of your words will get me.

These days, a year ago..
Kayaknya semua serba stabil. Gw adalah orang yang punya list mimpi. And as handed with a full pack of sharp arrows, I know how to aim my target. I was well planned. Satu, dua kerikil tidak membuat gw tersandung.

Tapi seiring akhirnya satu per satu mimpi itu terwujud. Somehow today... I feel stuck. Di depan gw sekarang mungkin terbentang jalan bebas hambatan, tapi justru gw ga tau kemana harus melangkah.

Restless. Random. At the same time.. Fallible.
Over all... Stuck.

Entah stuck sama apa. Mau cerita ke sahabat kadang ga bisa. Either bosan bahas hal yang itu2 aja, atau malah ngerasa hal yang gw keluhkan sebenernya bukan akar dari masalah.
There's this something inside my throat I can't expel.

Sekarang, sebagian waktu gw udah direbut sama school life. Being this lifeless udah jadi makanan sehari2 sejak beberapa bulan kemarin. Well, okay lah itu udah resiko masuk residensi. Pulang ke rumah? Oh itu barang mahal.

Then what's so bad about it? Because even when I have a chance to go back home, somehow it burdens me. Not that I don't wanna see my parents, but in some ways, I just couldn't.

Ga bisa ngeliat bokap. Ga bisa ngeliat nyokap. Because in them, I see myself. Mirror effect? Mungkin. Dimana gw melihat diri gw sendiri dan merasa belum cukup bisa bahagiain mreka. Belum bisa jadi anak yang cukup baik.

Saat pulang, surely disambut dengan gembira. Disuguhin semua mua nya. Even more than ever. Gimana dengan jelas gw ngeliat mereka seneng bisa seperti baru ngelahirin gw... Meladeni anak mereka.. Memfasilitasi segalanya.

Kebanggaan mereka. Harta paling berharga yang mereka punya.

Anak perempuan, yang mereka sudah mereka jadikan orang. Udah berhasil mereka sekolahin sampai jenjang setinggi sekarang.

Di hari tua mereka seperti saat ini, ingin rasanya bisa selalu jagain mereka. Kalau mau flash back.. Ingin rasanya bisa seperti dulu dengerin nyokap cicitcuit ga penting atau malah ngomel2 soal hipertensinya yang ga terkontrol. Atau.. Nganterin bokap minggu siang makan gurame goreng pinggir jalan..

Unexpectedly, I couldn't deal with that condition anymore. Because now, when I see them, I find it hard to hide my sadness. Atas ketidakpuasan gw.. Ketidakpuasan? Ketidakpuasan Ra? Tentang apa? Tentang diri gw mungkin..

Kadang ingin teriak minta maaf sama mereka. Menangis.
Yet again, all I could do, were just giving that forced smile, empty laugh and "Oh aku baik2 kok, Mah.."

See? I don't even know what I'm complaining now. This post just leads to nowhere.

Maybe I'm just tired. Or bored. But not because lack of sleep. Tired of waking up with nothing looking forward to. Tired of going to bed exhausted after doing the things I found less and less enjoyment in doing.

Ya Allah, apa gw termasuk orang yang kurang bersyukur?


Orang yang sering lupa dengan semua nikmat Mu. Lupa melihat ke bawah, dan tidak sadar betapa beruntungnya gw di posisi gw yang sekarang.

Inspiring words from a friend today, "God loves you. Personally. Powerfully. Passionately."
(Melani Marissa)

Yes, He does love me, unconditionally.

Here and now. I'm wishing that  today consists of 25 hours.

Maturity is not determined by the number or how hard your problems are, yet by how you stay emotionally in control and pick up the wise way to deal with them..

Patience is a part of growing up.

3 hours and fifteen minutes past midnite. New month. And I'm still here sitting wide awake in my bed.

Yesterday was pretty much interesting. In the morning,  I found myself a little red envelope on my bed. To my surprise, it's a letter from Alice, a British old friend of mine I've met a year ago. It's really nice to know that someone's out there, far far away, still actually remembers you. And somehow, writing a letter is a really old yet very sweet way to say hi in this high tech kinda life. I hope I can write back to her soon..

Hmm what's more? I had nice chat with one of my junior-high besties this afternoon. I was really glad that we could finally meet up. Discussing this and that. Laughing things we did the old days despite the hardtimes she's been through for the last 4 years. Less or more, I know the complicated route my friend had been through with her partner. Yes, marriage life is never easy. Things are always rough. And when it comes to kids.. works.. bills.. in-law thingy.. and even "bed stuff"... It'll be even harder. There too much that could have crippled them along the way. But anyhow, I see it as that's how their relationship nortured them. Through ups and downs. And as they still made it by now, I'm just amazed and truly happy. It's always nice listening to her story. I just hope this catching-up had relieved her in any ways.

Last not the very least, closing yesterday's April.. Come what May. Have a good day, all.