There's always times like these.

And now, how I wish that I could be less care.

And I hope there're any, slightest, tiniest, goodness still left in you. To help you.

It was not really late at night when one of my junior-high mates texted me on BBM, saying hello. It's nice to hear about her and her family, as I was really close to them back then. Then we were drawn chatting all over. I've told my stories about life lately, then I asked about hers.

"Hidupku ya gini-gini aja, Ra. Cuma ngurus anak dan belanja. Hahaha. Enakkan jadi kamu!" she said, after a droll silence. I laughed, embarrassed, and told her to shut up. 

Most of the time, I wonder how would it be when we look outside our windows on a sunny day to see business people doing lunch meeting in good venues, while we almost throw up studying for tomorrow's exams, or when we look forward to long weekends so that we can finally catch up with our family. 

What would those non-medicine people think about us? 

Would they look at us like aliens? Would they see us like normal human being? Or just the other way around? Maybe as cool as like those in Grey's?

Do they secretly in their hearts, yell, "Oh, give yourself a break.. You live for once. Enjoy it, God's sake!" 

Waking up at 4 am getting ready for shift rotation is not fun. 

Preparing short presentation in Sunday for (sudden) Monday's discussion, while you still have bunches of paperwork you've been neglected the whole week, is not fun. 

Doing shift on Sat night while your other friends having dinner... is not fun.

Rushed and late meals, almost... eve-ry-day~are not fun. 

Dealing with supervisors about your case presentation is not fun. Even worse when your proposals, repeatedly, rejected. (Personal experience happened to me just now! :p)
Struggling to keep your eyes opened in the clinic after a prolonged and tiresome shift last night is not fun (and apparently, yeah... not cool).
And no, counting of how many friends' wedding and family events you've missed, is not fun... at all. 

I've once asked myself, what would I be if I weren't a doctor. Alike one of my good friends back in Melbourne, doing his school majoring in fine art & fashion photography, and at the same time earning money being a free lance photographer, I've once told him of how envy I am. Seeing him making money from hobbies. But then, his words slapped me, 

"Ra. Jadi dokter masih bisa motret. Tapi jadi fotografer? Nggak bisa nyuntik orang." -H.S 

Not that I don't love the path I have taken. 

Not that I'm not grateful about the life maybe lots out there, been always dreaming of.
Not that I've never imagined how residency life's gonna be.
Not that I regret it.
I chose this. I'll take the consequences. No matter what. But I mean.. D*mn. 

Ophthalmology residency has always been my biggest dream since clinical years. Since the time when lots of friends still having no clue about what specialty they have the interest in, I knew this medical discipline won my heart too soon. And if I'm asked to ever switch my life, to someone else's, I wouldn't. Maybe I'd rather just wouldn't recommend medicine (or taking specialty, in particular) to anyone ;p

Again, I'm made aware that, maybe medical world~ something we've chosen, is longer, harder, and requires more patience than possibly anything else. The road might be tough, rough and cripples us along the way. Got us stumble, time and again. 

We have no choice but to keep on... well, doing it. Be true. Do it by heart. Fear no mistakes, fear no cracks. Laugh at them once in a while. But hang in there and walk. Because something bigger, better... awaits.

Never lose the faith.

Indira